Back on the market
Oh hi guys. It’s me, Stephen Bailey, and I am currently sat in bed very hungover after gay dancing until 4am (yep – that’s right, I’ve still got it) and I remembered that I had to write this piece and my options today were to be sick and cry or write this. So you’re in luck!
Also, I have someone called Fit Brian stored in my phone and I can’t remember him (but I do remember the kebab!!) so if you are out there Fit Bri twot me @stephencomedy.
So, what are we here to talk about? I guess the new show, Should’ve Been A Popstar, but before we get on to that I need to ask you about dating.
That’s right, I am back on the market again! And, it has all gone ONLINE.
Guys, as a modern man, I should be a fan of this – but I am NOT! It’s making more commitment-phobic than ever before. I mean, what we can go on ONE date, I accidentally fall on it but then me wanting to rename your cats on the second date is too much too soon?
Oh, and there’s this guy called Chris – wait, he doesn’t want me to use his real name, so let’s call him Kris – with a K!
I liked him, we had a couple of dates , we had great banter (don’t you hate that word) but then he freaks out because I very harmlessly got 500 people in an audience at a gig to record him a little video where they yelled Marry Stephen.
I mean, it was all on them, I would never encourage them (**coughs**) and he thinks it’s too soon to get married – he’s 35 and prepares his lunch the night before, he was supposed to be The One – but now he’s mad!
So, I’ve decided to quit online dating – yeah, I don’t want pics of your dick… I want the real deal!
Now to the point at hand, stop distracting me friends. My show. Basically, my act is a gossip – no show is exactly the same because things continue to change, but we are on every day at THE PLEASANCE COURTYARD (BUNKER 2, I believe) at 4:15pm. Which I think is the perfect time of day to start the drinking and the dick jokes! It is a festival.
I should pre-warn everyone – especially those of you that have thought that this is a show for kids…THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A SHOW FOR ANYONE UNDER 15! This is not a show where I become a popstar, I can’t sing.
This is a show about finding your inner X Factor because you guys, I used to be painfully shy. Me. Shy.
This is how shy. In school one day, I was so scared to ask to go to the toilet that I wet myself – like an old dog! In class. So that was great for my street cred.
And confidence is always something I’ve struggled with – like I always think the guy is too hot for me, or I’ll say I don’t want the last slice of pizza even though I do!
Since doing stand-up, I’ve really grown and so it seemed like an obvious thing to do a show about. Oh and the title, well popstars are very confident singers and half of them can’t even sing – you know, I’m looking at you Britney!
And together, me and the audience, aka my sidekicks, aka my partners in crime, aka my friends are going to cover everything from LGBTQIA movement, to high school, to exercise, to social media (that’s right – you all spend too much time on it and I am telling you about it), to exes, to dating again and now recently added, my new NOT boyfriend Kris!
My aim is to just have fun – that’s as deep as the act gets, I like to think we are all in this together and if you could all bring at least one gay that would be great. I’m looking for love here people and I’ve just deleted Grindr.
So, I need you to bring them to the show and then afterward they can take me for lasagne (we all know what that means!).
See you soon x
Stephen Bailey: Should’ve Been A Popstar, Pleasance Bunker Two, Edinburgh, 5 – 30 August. For tickets, visit www.pleasance.co.uk.