Nic Wright

9 crap Christmas presents for comedy fans

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It’s a subjective beast, comedy.

One man’s Louis CK is another man’s Chubby Brown. So when you casually mention to your colleagues, or your aunt, or your other half’s parents that you like comedy, you’re opening yourself up to a potential minefield of naff Christmas presents.

Now, we’re not an ungrateful bunch, us comedy fans; after all it really is the thought that counts. Still, it can be tricky to feign enthusiasm as you peel the glittery wrapping paper off Michael McIntyre’s autobiography.

Anyone visiting a charity shop in the spring, with shelves littered with stand-up DVDs will know just how widespread the problem of crap comedy gifting is.

But sadly, the issue doesn’t end with DVDs; there’s a whole world of horrifying merchandise out there to besmirch the stockings of unsuspecting comedy fans. Here’s some of the worst we’ve come across so far. Merry Christmas.

The Big Bang Theory Monopoly


A Venn Diagram of comedy fans and people who watch The Big Bang Theory would probably look an awful lot like a pair of boobs. Ironically that sentence would probably pass for a joke on The Big Bang Theory, a show whose level of insipidity is matched only by the extent of its merchandising. But you know what they say; millions of people can’t be wrong, and with tat like Big Bang Theory Monopoly sets being seen fit to be produced, someone must be watching it. (Someone with more money than sense, evidently.)

Borat Mankini


Remember when Jeff from accounts saw Borat and spent the next three weeks calling everyone “maaah wiiiiife”? Well your polite laughter and expression of admiration for Sasha Baron Cohen’s work on The 11 O’Clock Show just got you a mankini in the secret Santa draw. “Yeah Jeff, of course I enjoyed Borat, it had a bear in an ice cream van, but do you know what I enjoy even more? My dignity. And not having my nut fluff on public display.”

Peter Kay Placemats

You’ve got the DVDs, the Chorley FM bumper sticker, and you make a point of shouting “garlic bread” every time you go to an Italian restaurant; what more can you possibly do to show the world how much you love Peter Kay? How about eating your dinner off his face every night? Kay’s best-loved characters have been immortalised on placemats and coasters, so you can bask in his glory whenever you make a brew. Incidentally, the “Buy Now” links for everything in Peter Kay’s official online shop lead to missing pages, which apparently no one has bothered to fix. That might tell you something about the demand for such products, but more likely it’s because Peter Kay has so much money he hasn’t actually noticed it’s broken.

Miranda Plasters


That Miranda, eh? She’s so clumsy! And just in case you were laughing so hard at Miranda’s charmingly gauche antics that you trip over and graze your knees, worry not; these official Miranda plasters will help ease your pain. Because there’s nothing like remembering Miranda Hart had her own television show to bring you comfort while you’re picking chunks of broken glass out of your torn flesh. Such fun!

Friends Bracelet


As far as tasteful presents go, you can’t go far wrong with a nice bit of jewelry. Unless it’s a bangle emblazoned with the sleazy pickup line of a one-dimensional nineties sitcom character.

Family Guy Cufflinks


A job interview, a funeral, a court appearance; there really is nowhere these dashing Family Guy cufflinks won’t be a hit. Pair with a novelty tie and a pair of trainers for maximum bell-endery.

Keith Lemon Pulling Kit


Keith Lemon, of Celebrity Juice and 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes fame, has spawned a sprawling range of delightful merchandise, from masks to t-shirts bearing the phrase “Shag, marry or mot out?”. Top of our list though is the Keith Lemon Pulling Kit, consisting of a shower cap and some lemon and ginger body wash; guaranteed to make all the girls show you their ham sandwiches, as Lemon would put it. Classy.

Mrs. Brown’s Boys Pooper


Was there anything more amusing when you were a kid than those little reindeers that pooped chocolate flavor jelly beans? Probably loads of stuff actually. Nevertheless, the folks behind Mrs. Brown’s Boys have deemed the pooping novelty toy concept worthy of an update, and now YOU can enjoy sweets passed through the plastic anus of a man dressed as an old woman like you’ve always dreamed. This is it guys; the Holy Grail of dreadful comedy merchandise. At least they know their market.

Parks and Recreation Nail Stickers


… actually scratch that, we really want these.