Rob Gilroy

Tolerance is overrated

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With the weekend upon us, the inevitable discussion about which takeaway to have comes round.

Will it be a doner meat pizza (don’t judge me, I give to PETA)? Will it be beef in black bean sauce – having picked out the black beans, leaving just the sauce? Or will it be a Rogan josh, which I will no doubt shovel in my mouth along with handfuls of chapattis and rice and finish in two minutes, spending the rest of the evening feeling bloated and sluggish? So many choices!

What I do know already is; I don’t really mind which we choose. Despite knowing this discussion is coming, I am not able to make a firm decision and stick to it. And so the usual ballet of flicking through uninspiring menus, scrolling Just Eat or engaging in some sort of mastication role play in the hope that my saliva glands will provide the answer, begins.

I want to make a conclusive decision and yet I can’t. I remain passive. Dangerously so.

It’s with great relief, then, that I see David Cameron is keen to stamp down on this sort of frivolous, aggressive passivity. I have to say, my inability to decide what’s for tea is just the tip of the crumbling ice berg. Sit me and my good lady down to watch a film and witness our blind disregard for anything close to a consensus. Like always, it gets too late and we have to make do with 27 Dresses.

This waste of an opportunity to be dogmatic is typical of the British. We, as a nation, are flexible. We’re open to suggestions, relaxed, unimpeded by any sense of wanting to dictate others. It’s one of the core problems of our community and erodes us from within. Though in a non-intrusive way; after all, it doesn’t want to put anyone out.

It’s part of a much wider outbreak of unwieldy tolerance; tearing through our lives like a fuck-off big Godzilla or a sniffles epidemic. We remain trapped in a backwards mind set of acceptance and understanding – and I for one, am sick of it.

Bring back those heady days of mistrust, suspicion and judgement – qualities no school is teaching anymore (along with the rest of an overlooked curriculum which includes Latin, Polo and the systematic crushing of lower classes).

Do you know what we need to bring back? Stereotypes. Without them, people are reduced to little more than an individual with their own thoughts, fears and emotions. But with a stereotype, well, they can be anyone we need them to be; terrorists, bigamists, optometrists. The ists is endless. Why find out who someone is, when we can pre-judge them based on their job, or house, or – ideally – physical identity.

In the age of Click and Collect – we should be looking for shortcuts. Something, anything, which helps us make snap decisions when we most need them. After all, that’s what a shortcut does – it gets you to the place you need to be, quickly. Yes, it may be down a dirt track, or through a field; if you come across a stranger at least you can be sure that they’re some sort of inbred monster who only wants to sleep with your corpse and steal your Lexus. Then you can make the un-passive decision to swallow your keys and stick the cigarette lighter up your anus.

We all need to wake up and smell the burning records of our Human Rights; the world is changing. Abiding by the law is no longer enough to secure our safety. We must rise, we must take action into our own hands – enact vigilante justice on anyone who wrongs us; whether it’s those who invade our country and work hard to earn a living, those who think differently to us, or those who put their trolley back the wrong way in ASDA. They may have their pound back, but I’m coming for them, and I want blood.

My days of tolerance and passivity are gone. My mind is closed, my niggles unleashed. I am alive. I am Conservative. And I’ll probably go with the doner meat pizza.